a lonely night with shadow work - 🌘 22 july 2022

so i’m going through another relatively lonely night during which i studied the fool from the threads of fate weaver tarot and a card called ‘shadow work’ from the moonchild tarot. i should really expand on that last card because there’s so much shadow work for me to do in about every aspect of my life. i have been doing as much as i can stand, but i find that it’s easier when i can focus on one specific thing or area. like tonight. i’m doing shadow work with my actual shadow self. i’m interfacing with the shadow version of me and i’m looking into zir eyes. my own eyes are met with scorn but they are met. the shadow-self cannot help it. zi wants to connect with me if only to drain my essence in full. but this i will not allow.

shadow work on the self is the most personal work you can do. it gets right into the roots of your uncolored, unwashed hair and digs its fingernails into your scalp. it separates your clothes from your body, not in an assaultive way but in an honest way, taking you down to no coverage and no protection, not even a little mugwort dust on my fingers. so it is, so it goes. you have to be naked with your shadow-self. you have to be 1:1 with your shadow-self. there’s no room for hiding, not when you’re down to this level. your only tools are your mind and your heart and your hands, if you’re lucky, because trust in everything you know, your shadow-self will be equipped far more efficiently than you ever could manage. that’s just the way of these things. we give more weight to the shadow, so our shadow-selves must therefore be greater than us. only those of us who’ve faced our shadow-selves and shaped them down into what we want them to be can speak of it.

and i? i am not that close. every time i think i am, something else pops up to show me that i am wrong. that’s the other thing. your shadow-self will be tricksome, like a trickster god, like Hermes, like Loki, and you must be ever-watchful. but you also must approach with the highest form of love in your heart. Aphrodite demands it, because ultimately this is lovework between your shadow-self and you. ultimately this is about getting your shadow-self on the same level as you, or vice versa - because the shadow-self can definitely develop beyond our own positions. clever and advanced are they, to a one. so we must, in turn, be prepared. this never-ending duty that is shadow work is never easy, but it is always worth it.

i often feel like i’m bound up with my shadow for most of my day, that i cannot function as a normal human can when i am trying to keep my shadow-self occupied and away from my throat. for they do so love to go for your tender heart’s blood. our challenge, then, is to meet them on a different level, one that won’t suck away all of our potential, light, and magick. it’s like finding a pacifier for an infant, something that can quell them for a time until you can give them the proper care and attention they deserve. and they do deserve it, no less than that hypothetical infant.

it’s a process, shadow work is always a process. and that has to be okay in the general hanging scheme of things. i picture “things” or rather reality, as a great tapestry with many sections as yet unworked. our shadow-selves are inseperable from us. and we can negotiate the kind of healing that they need so that they don’t wreck up the place. for that is their intrinsic power, and they are fearsome when ignored. never ignore your shadow-self. give it the attention it requires, and you will find that you are much happier overall.

we are DOING IT LIVE! - 🌘 22 june 2022

Much later in the day…

And i’ve launched this site! How exciting! I’m still working out kinks and figuring out SEO stuff, but it is functional and all the links are working, including the scrolling links to my books for sale on Amazon! I think this is pretty cool, still getting used to the blogging segment of the site, but all that will come with time and experience. It may even be best to archive my Dreamwidth tarot journal, just to have it as a marker of growth, but not to add to it at this time. I don’t know! Anything could happen!

And that’s the thrilling part of it. I’m healing from my devastating loss. And it hardly hurts anymore. This is what is meant by healing in a healthy way. When you focus your intention and care on yourself, your wounds heal faster and your cups don’t empty (as fast). Working on this site was a big part of that.

daily thoughts - 🌘 22 june 2022

Trying this software out for awhile to see if I like it over dreamwidth. Right now I think dreamwidth gives me greater control over post appearance and the actual act of posting, but we’ll see. I had wanted it to be an “all in one go” sort of thing, but I suppose I should count it a miracle that I managed to get this site functional at all. This is meant to record longform tarot reflections and personal things that I might not want on my Instagram. Not that it matters much, I suppose. But I miss having my own site, my own blog, even though in the ancient days I did by hand what blog software does now. That’s just how it was then, and how it is now. It’s totally fine. I’m adapting, I think. You have to adapt, or sink.

I’m far too tired to mess with cards right now, though I am behind on daily pulls and even my personal 3 card breakdowns. It’s just that I need to purify my altar, and I’ve been putting it off due to pain or preoccupation with other things, like my bujo. But my bujo isn’t taking much time lately because I haven’t had a lot of good inspiration, and once this site has proper bones it won’t require much upkeep since I’ve chosen to keep my booking software on Calendly. The time may come when I put it on a Squarespace related store. I don’t know. But for now, Calendly will do.

For now. There is great work to be done.

daily pull - 🌖 17 april 2022

ended up pulling cards for the first time in a long time. and this is what came out. the six of cups, strength, and the chariot.